Set Your Heart On Fire.

What you're about to read is something I posted over a year ago; when I felt hurt, lost, and alone. I just thought I'd repost it not because I still feel the way I felt when I wrote it (and there are times, but for the most part I'm happy where I am at my life and who is part of it.) But because I feel like those who met me in the past 7 months (or have gotten to know me better) should know where I was emotionally a year ago. I also feel like this blog (Amour de Velo) needs to have more substance instead of mindless ramblings about cycling. I've been meaning to write a full blown run down on everything that has happened since July 5th, but I haven't been able to sit down and collect my thoughts.

And just to let you know, when I wrote this, I was in a stage of my life where I drank far too much, anvd continously hurt people and didn't care. This blog was me breaking down the day after I had partied too hard and had a serious conversation with a friend about life.


"The new frontier, the promise land.
You left one war, for another to begin.
And I'm not mad.
I'm not sad.
It's just hard, for me to understand.
And what I wanna know is are you comfortable?"

It's almost 3am on the Monday before Haunt starts. I can't sleep. Not because I'm nervous for this year's run, or because I want it to start already. It's because these past few weeks, when driving home late at night, I begin thinking about people and things I haven't thought of in a while.

People like Rachel Elliot, one of my best friends in 8th grade who passed away 2 years ago when a drunk driver hit her car.. Or my ex, who I once was in love with for 2 years, who kept coming around until I had enough. Sometimes I'll think of my 'big sister', Crystal, who I had a falling out with 3 years ago but I still love with all my heart. And sometimes I'll think of the little sister and brother I barely know, and how they're doing on the opposite side of the continent.

Then there are things that pop into my head, like love and companionship, that make me want to pull over onto the side of the road and just stare at the tail lights of passing cars; wondering what the fuck I did so wrong to deserve the shit I go through.

I've been in love once. It sucked. It hurt. It took 3 years for the relationship to form. We talked almost everyday, we saw eachother once or twice in the 3 years. We talked about how, if and when we finally got together, that when we wanted to get married that we would get married at the Haunted Mansion. I seriously fell in love with him. He was my best friend. He was someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It was long distance (he lived up north) It was a bunch of waiting around, until he finally moved down to southern california and asked me out. Then, for the 3 months of us being together, I endured him cheating on me, abusing me, lying and making me feel like complete shit. And after we finally broke up, for the 3rd time, it still took me 2 years to get over him. I have no idea why I 'loved' this guy. I've been over him for about 2 years, yet he still insisted coming back into my life, wanting me back. And when I turn him down, he freaks out and tries to degrade me.

My insecurities come from him. My weight issues came from him. My inability to trust most guys came from him. My horrific nightmares I get when I'm significantly stressed out, came from an incindent I had that involved him. I'm not trying to play the victim at all, that's not the point of this blog. The last thing I want is sympathy. Because, for the most part, I've seen improvement in my character and well being since him and I broke up in '05.

I was 15 years old, thinking that this was love. Sitting at home every night, waiting for him to call when in reality he was fucking some scene slut in his home town. I lied to my parents, telling them I was going to work when in actuality I was driving an hour and a half away to go see him the day after he had sex with his ex. Yet when we did spend time together, he treated me like a princess. Until, of course, I'd confront him about him cheating on me.

After our break up, I felt complete and utter lonliness. I felt empty. But, as the seasons changed, and other guys came and went, my heart grew stronger and soon I began to forget the douche bag.

I'm not gonna lie, that shitty relationship has made it hard for me to commit to a real serious relationship. If I sense the smallest amount of control issues, I peace out. I don't want to be forced to do anything, I don't want to be told what to do. I don't want to be told that they're just looking out for my own well being. Because that's a load of crap. They want me to fit a mold, I'm not down for that. I did that in my crappy relationship with my ex and I don't wanna go through that again.

Now it's 3:30am on 9/21, and all I can think about is how bad I want companionship. Someone I can laugh with, sleep next to, hold hands with and just be me around. Someone to go on adventures with, someone to kick my ass at video games, someone to watch tv with until I fall asleep. The nights are getting colder and lonlier, and all I want is is that comfort and security of being asleep in someone's arms. If it turns out to be a relationship, then so be it. But I'm not going out and looking for that.

I strongly believe there is a difference between companionship and being in a relationship.

Is there a problem with just wanting to BE with someone?

The kids I went to school with are all getting engaged, all getting married, all having children. That freaks me out, I don't want that. I'm too young to be growing up so fast, if that makes sense.

I just don't know.

"Set your heart.
Set your heart.
Set your heart on fire."

Admiration.

Rob: You know I really admire you
Me: haha why?
Rob: its your passion for bikes. you follow it to the heart, almost religiously. i dont feel that way about anything in life. i guess you could say im jealous

I am 21.

Four days ago, I was sitting in a bar with five of my friends enjoying the smooth sound of a hefty hispanic man singing along Garth Brooks. In the midst of my 21st birthday celebration, I started singing along to his rendition of "I've got friends in low places" while finishing my fourth drink of the night. I sat there with a smile on my face while being hassled by my friend Ryan, "Drink your beer, Paige!" and thinking to myself, I have the best friends in the world. 

I mean, of course everyone says that when they're with good people celebrating life achievements. But in all honesty, I really do. 

How many people do you know that would sit in two in a half hours worth of traffic to come to hang out with someone they've only known for a few months? Or who do you know would drive out after work on the night of a big NBA play off game to be hassled and forced to eat a ton of food they didnt want to eat after knowing someone for barely a month? And who do you know would put up with a drunk 21 year old on the drive home, or have something professed to you by the same drunk 21 year old?

Not a lot, I bet.

My friends put up with a lot of crap. They help me through the tough times, when I'm insecure, when I feel like I have nothing else left. They motivate me into becoming a better person, they help me become more level headed, they talk sense into me. 

If it weren't for them, I'd be nothing. 

Seriously. 

I have overcome many fears and obstacles in the past year. I've made great and poor decisions, and have learned a lot from those who have tried to straighten me out. I'm not as out of control as I once was, I have stability. These friends have sat me down and shown me the important things in life: job, goals, family, friendships, getting back on the horse. They expect a lot out of me, and I don't want to disappoint them.

I realized on my 21st birthday, that I constantly tell each and every one of my friends how proud I am of them. 

Now, it's my turn to make them proud. 

6 Days.

My lack of updating disgusts me. My bad. The past couple of weeks have destroyed my ability to sit down and write a completely thought out entry.  Between work, volunteering for the Amgen Tour of California, meeting Mark Cavendish, taking part in the Santa Monica Ride of Silence, going on bike rides, AND going to countless bike races; you would think I would have a ton to write about.

I don't really.

And it's not because I'm choosing to not share it in my blog, it's just the fact that it's literally too much to recall.

14 Days.

Two years ago, my friend and I went to Disneyland together. He had come down to visit for a few days and we made it our main priority to visit the mouse kingdom while he was in town.

We were walking through Adventureland when I grabbed his hand and held it in mine. He looked at me and asked, "What are you doing?" As soon as he said it, I quickly let go of it. I was so embarrassed, I barely said a word to him for the rest of the day.

I always learn from my mistakes; if not the first time then definitely the second. Such mistakes could be as minor as not wearing sunscreen to the beach and in return getting a terrible sunburn, to something emotionally unsettling like reading into someone's actions too much and getting shot down in the most embarrassing way ever. Lately, I've made a couple of little mistakes here and there that have left me saying to myself, "What was I thinking?" Drinking coffee is one of them haha

I woke up this morning to the smell of freshly brewed coffee. It was 10am and I had to force myself out of bed to get my day started, seeing as I had slept for about 11 hours (I desperately needed to catch up on sleep). I made myself scrambled eggs and slathered cream cheese on a bagel before pouring myself a cup of coffee, then sat down in front of the boob tube and watched stage 7 of the Amgen Tour of California. This whole weekend I found myself getting around 4-5 hours of sleep due to the fact my sleep schedule sucks, and getting up before 6am three days in a row was tough. My body hasn't adapted to coffee yet, which sucks because it tastes so good and it totally brings me out of zombie mode. However, the caffeine caught up with me this morning and I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. I sat on the couch thinking to myself, "Holy crap, there's a track and field competition going on inside my chest!" I haven't had that feeling in a few years, back when I had heart palpitations and anxiety attacks. Last thing I needed was to get back on medication that made me feel like shit.

So, lesson learned. I'm limiting my coffee intake. Nemo, I don't know how you can do it.

19 Days.

I smiled a lot today.
I forgot that genuine guys still exist.You know, the ones who don’t have to brag to make themselves look cool.Ones who don’t try too hard, ones that just act themselves around you.Those are the best guys to be around.Because they make you feel comfortable, they make it easier to converse with.It’s been a long time since I’ve made a new guy friend who wasn’t full of complete shit. I like that.

20 Days.

I got my confirmation email today.
I'll be working as a course marshal for the Amgen Tour of California Individual Time Trial in Downtown Los Angeles this weekend.
Everything is coming together.

Life is exciting.

21 Days.

Dear Roadies,


Yes, I ride a fixed gear, with no breaks.
Yes, I wear lycra and jerseys. 
Yes, I ride clipless.
Yes, I am at criterium & road races warming up with your compadres.


GET OVER IT.


No need to be rude by deliberately shoving me out of the way at a race (although the guy who did this had a team mate who witnessed this and apologized a million times, thanks) No need to tell me to get off the bike trail when you can't even hold your line. There is absolutely no reason to not give me the respect you give to other riders. 


I signal when I make turns.
I call out when I'm passing you.
I call out road conditions/debris when you're DRAFTING me (why you would, I have no idea).
I check over my shoulder to make sure you guys aren't going to be on my left or right when I decided to pull off.
I ask if you're ok if I see you sitting on the side of the road.
I wave to you or smile when we cross paths.


Please, seriously, drop the egos and just be courteous. That's all I ask.


Sincerely yours,


Me. 

25 Days.

It's 5:30 am. My mom just came into my room.
"Did you seriously stay up all night?"
"I can't sleep"
"Why can't you sleep?"
"I just can't."


Is it really that big of a deal that I have the worst sleeping pattern ever?
I have work in 12 1/2 hours. I should probably get some sleep before I end up biting someone's head off.
Bedroom door is being locked to make sure there are no disturbances.


Maybe I can actually catch Stage 6 of Giro d'Italia...

26 Days.

1. Me: It's better than being told you're fat (apparently being 140 lbs and 5'8" makes you fat) and that you can't go anywhere in life because you have tattoos and peircings. My family rules.
2. Morgan: The best thing you could do probably is ignore it.
3. Me: The best thing I can do is prove them wrong by becoming a professional cyclist.
4. Morgan: Hells yeah!

27 Days.

Tonight I got off of work and needed some serious bonding with my best friend. We live up the street from each other and sometimes I feel like I never spend time with her even though we go on random fast food trips together. I picked her up from her house, ate at Denny's, then proceeded to Wendy's where I got myself a chocolate frosty. The night couldn't be any better, especially singing a long to Blink 181, doing half ass donuts in the parking lot of her old work, and doing 10 laps around the Dos Lagos round about at 50 mph. Needless to say, my Denny's value slam almost slammed to the concrete after going in so many circles.

A lot of things have been on my mind lately, mainly things that have to do with cycling. Things like how am I going to afford a new bike, what bike should I get... Then thinking into the future as well. What club do I want to join for racing? Which club has a strong women's field? Which club has woman racing in the Cat 4's? Not only am I'm constantly thinking about racing and training, I'm also thinking about this position at Performance bikes I might be getting. I went in on Sunday and talked with the area manager, or whatever he's called. I guess he really liked me because my friend who is trying to hook me up with this job said he came into the store after meeting me and said a lot of positive things. He liked how interested in cycling I was and how eager I was to learn. This put me in such a great mood, despite the fact that I had learned that the store manager "wasn't sure" about me. And I can totally imagine him thinking that too. I came into the store with teal hair, a pink & black plaid flannel, and shoes that had holes in them. He probably thought, "Oh. This chick is trying to get a job so she gets cool points with all her friends who ride fixed gears." 

No. That's hardly the case. 

I really honestly cannot stand people, mainly adults, who judge me before even getting to know me. Yes, I have tattoos and piercings, yes I have.. er... had green hair. Big deal! I know a thing or two about the cycling world, and I am admitting to the fact that I have a whole lot more to learn. And that's the thing: I want to know everything. I want to continuously learn everything there is when it comes to the industry. Don't stand there and judge me because my bike has one gear or because my hair isn't a natural color, because that's unfair. 

I have no one else to impress but myself. 

And as I sat there listening to the employee tell me how the manager felt about me, I thought to myself, "Here I am talking to someone who has been working with the company for almost two years now and she has no idea what a prime lap is, what a soigneur is, or what the Dana Point Grand Prix is." I mean, I don't think I'm above her (because I'm definitely not) but, honestly, you've worked at a well-known shop for two years with a manager who has raced for Jelly Belly and you have no idea what the Dana Point Grand Prix is?!

*palm-to-face*

30 Days.

I can't even begin to explain how long and great of a day today was. I also can't begin to explain how tired and sore I am from being outside in the sun for as long as I was. Long Beach Bicycle Grand Prix was definitely a success, just like it was last year. While the criterium race was going on, bike polo was being played as well. 


Collin was sick, so he didn't race the Cat 4's this morning. Mike and Jesse, however, were both doing well during the race. With races comes c*****s, and, well, Jesse slid out again. Poor guy, I felt bad for him. Mike was out front for the majority of the race, pulling the field and holding first for quite sometime. Not sure what happened towards the end of the race, though. He wasn't up front when the leaders crossed the finish.


Women's Cat1-3 was definitely a great race to watch. My friend/mentor, Beatriz Rodriquez, took first place. It's so hard to cheer for her because I always get her and her teammate mixed up hahaha whoops? Tara got pulled, her legs were giving out on her. I'm just proud that she go out there and raced after her recovery.


The Men's Pro Cat1/2 - Always my favorite race to watch. I felt way more comfortable knowing a certain team didn't show up to race haha OUCH-Bahati Foundation's Devan Dunn was off the front for a while, taking primes and kicking butt wherever he went. Morgan (OUCH-Bahati) was up front for a while as well. I was sooo stoked for the foundation. There was a c**** in turn 5 during the last lap, and I think another one that took out Ashley? I'm not sure about the latter. All I know is that Ashley disappeared from the field and I read later on twitter that he was in another crash?


My favorite boys did fairly well though. Rahsaan Bahati placed 2nd, Justin Williams (Trek/Livestrong U23) placed 6th, and Danny Kam (Herblife/LeGrange) placed 19th. So proud of my boys!!!

31 Days.

One of the problems I have with blogging is that I post countless amounts of entries then, when life gets busy, I stop writing. Then when I 
decide to start writing again, I want to start fresh, so I make a new blog. It's a never ending circle with me. I've been reading Sean's blog for a while now and it made me realize how much I miss writing. I actually went out the other day and spent my last dollar on a notebook at Target. I didn't want to use it until I had money to buy new pens because nothing beats writing in a new notebook like brand new pens. Well, I finally bought new pens on Monday, mainly because I was going to fill out an application at a shop and wanted to look professional by having my own pen. Well I was so nervous about the application and meeting the manager, I forgot my brand new blue pen in the car. Go figure.

So what's new in the life of Paige Alexandra? Not much, really. I picked up a job at Sidecca around Thanksgiving and have gotten so use to saying, "Bye! Have a great evening!" that I catch myself almost saying it to total strangers who are leaving a store that I'm shopping at. And is it just me or have parents given up on parenting altogether? I find 
myself standing in my store watching kids run amuck, screaming at the top of their lungs, unfolding every single tshirt and pair of jeans, then stuffing them back where they were neatly folded just 30 seconds 
before. I'm hoping to actually land the job at the shop I was talking about earlier before Sidecca is burnt to the ground by the middle schoolers that come in on a daily basis (or even the employees). 

I recently decided to try not eating meat for a week. It's day 6 and I'm feeling pretty good, to be honest. I'm definitely not making it a permanent thing, though. Vegetarianism is not my thing and I find myself eating out more because when I AM home, it's usually late at night, and the only things microwaveable are pepperoni pizza bites, corn dogs, or chicken nuggets. I'm also allergic to most fruit we have in the house so, unless I wanna blow up like a balloon, I eat out.
 

I finally got the motivation I was looking for to get back on my bike. Ever since the 2010 racing season started for both Track and Road, I've been attending races on almost a weekly basis and meeting the most friendliest and helpful people I have ever met in my life. I've conversed with World Champion & Olympic individual pursuit rider, Taylor Phinney, and watched him race and train on the same velodrome I trained at last year. I've briefly met 2006 Tour of California & Tour de France winner, Floyd Landis (without realizing it haha), and will soon be helping out the OUCH-Bahati Foundation Pro Cycling team at the local SoCal races when needed. I really honestly can say that a lot of my motivation has come from certain individuals (like Ryan, Greg, Chris and most importantly, Collin).

With motivation obviously comes riding. I started training last week, logging in a total of 110 miles in 2 days. I rode the longest distance I have ever ridden in my life (70 miles) and let me tell you, it was a cake walk until I some how let Greg and James persuade me into riding to Seal Beach after riding to Huntington Beach from Yorba Linda at seven in the morning haha I decided a few months ago that I wanted to pursue a career as a professional cyclist. I'm slowly getting my foot in the door and learning the ins and outs of road racing (since my mild fall at the velodrome last June, I've only returned once and don't really see myself riding it anytime soon). I'm trying to pick up more hours at work so I can pay off my Kestrel that my friend and his father are selling me for $1,400. It's definitely going to take me a long time to pay off mainly because my biweekly checks have been around $180. That's not going to cut it.

So now it's 1 o'clock in the morning. I just turned on Pandora's Blink-182 station. Oh man, why haven't I checked out this website before?!?! Pandora's first choice was "Dammit" by Blink-182, which is my favorite Blink-182. I think I'll let this station play for a few more minutes before I hit the hay. I have to be in Long Beach in about 8 hours for the Long Beach Bicycle Grand Prix. I'm really stoked that this race is happening, mainly because it's in such a beautiful city and it's part of an amazing festival (Long Beach Bike Festival). Plus, I get to see a lot of my favorite people race for big money!

And with that, I leave you with the follow quote:

"Big thanks for everyone who is supporting and a special thanks to those who hate." — Rahsaan Bahati, Co-Founder of the OUCH-Bahati Foundation