What you're about to read is something I posted over a year ago; when I felt hurt, lost, and alone. I just thought I'd repost it not because I still feel the way I felt when I wrote it (and there are times, but for the most part I'm happy where I am at my life and who is part of it.) But because I feel like those who met me in the past 7 months (or have gotten to know me better) should know where I was emotionally a year ago. I also feel like this blog (Amour de Velo) needs to have more substance instead of mindless ramblings about cycling. I've been meaning to write a full blown run down on everything that has happened since July 5th, but I haven't been able to sit down and collect my thoughts.
And just to let you know, when I wrote this, I was in a stage of my life where I drank far too much, anvd continously hurt people and didn't care. This blog was me breaking down the day after I had partied too hard and had a serious conversation with a friend about life.
"The new frontier, the promise land.
You left one war, for another to begin.
And I'm not mad.
I'm not sad.
It's just hard, for me to understand.
And what I wanna know is are you comfortable?"
It's almost 3am on the Monday before Haunt starts. I can't sleep. Not because I'm nervous for this year's run, or because I want it to start already. It's because these past few weeks, when driving home late at night, I begin thinking about people and things I haven't thought of in a while.
People like Rachel Elliot, one of my best friends in 8th grade who passed away 2 years ago when a drunk driver hit her car.. Or my ex, who I once was in love with for 2 years, who kept coming around until I had enough. Sometimes I'll think of my 'big sister', Crystal, who I had a falling out with 3 years ago but I still love with all my heart. And sometimes I'll think of the little sister and brother I barely know, and how they're doing on the opposite side of the continent.
Then there are things that pop into my head, like love and companionship, that make me want to pull over onto the side of the road and just stare at the tail lights of passing cars; wondering what the fuck I did so wrong to deserve the shit I go through.
I've been in love once. It sucked. It hurt. It took 3 years for the relationship to form. We talked almost everyday, we saw eachother once or twice in the 3 years. We talked about how, if and when we finally got together, that when we wanted to get married that we would get married at the Haunted Mansion. I seriously fell in love with him. He was my best friend. He was someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It was long distance (he lived up north) It was a bunch of waiting around, until he finally moved down to southern california and asked me out. Then, for the 3 months of us being together, I endured him cheating on me, abusing me, lying and making me feel like complete shit. And after we finally broke up, for the 3rd time, it still took me 2 years to get over him. I have no idea why I 'loved' this guy. I've been over him for about 2 years, yet he still insisted coming back into my life, wanting me back. And when I turn him down, he freaks out and tries to degrade me.
My insecurities come from him. My weight issues came from him. My inability to trust most guys came from him. My horrific nightmares I get when I'm significantly stressed out, came from an incindent I had that involved him. I'm not trying to play the victim at all, that's not the point of this blog. The last thing I want is sympathy. Because, for the most part, I've seen improvement in my character and well being since him and I broke up in '05.
I was 15 years old, thinking that this was love. Sitting at home every night, waiting for him to call when in reality he was fucking some scene slut in his home town. I lied to my parents, telling them I was going to work when in actuality I was driving an hour and a half away to go see him the day after he had sex with his ex. Yet when we did spend time together, he treated me like a princess. Until, of course, I'd confront him about him cheating on me.
After our break up, I felt complete and utter lonliness. I felt empty. But, as the seasons changed, and other guys came and went, my heart grew stronger and soon I began to forget the douche bag.
I'm not gonna lie, that shitty relationship has made it hard for me to commit to a real serious relationship. If I sense the smallest amount of control issues, I peace out. I don't want to be forced to do anything, I don't want to be told what to do. I don't want to be told that they're just looking out for my own well being. Because that's a load of crap. They want me to fit a mold, I'm not down for that. I did that in my crappy relationship with my ex and I don't wanna go through that again.
Now it's 3:30am on 9/21, and all I can think about is how bad I want companionship. Someone I can laugh with, sleep next to, hold hands with and just be me around. Someone to go on adventures with, someone to kick my ass at video games, someone to watch tv with until I fall asleep. The nights are getting colder and lonlier, and all I want is is that comfort and security of being asleep in someone's arms. If it turns out to be a relationship, then so be it. But I'm not going out and looking for that.
I strongly believe there is a difference between companionship and being in a relationship.
Is there a problem with just wanting to BE with someone?
The kids I went to school with are all getting engaged, all getting married, all having children. That freaks me out, I don't want that. I'm too young to be growing up so fast, if that makes sense.
I just don't know.
"Set your heart.
Set your heart.
Set your heart on fire."