Life, Love, and Bicycle Races.

Two hours ago, I was sitting in the laundry room of a hotel I'm staying at when I got the sudden urge to write. I can't tell you how many times I have written something on blogspot just to delete the whole thing because I thought it sounded like a bunch of rubbish. But tonight, my head was spinning with ideas and thoughts and questions. I sat there, dissecting a conversation I had earlier this evening with one of the guys from the team I work for. For the past couple of days I've been trying to wrap my head around something I couldn't quite understand and I needed some advice. I turned to him for his opinion on a situation, and he gave me explanations that I wasn't expecting to hear, but definitely gave me insight on the subject on hand.

This time last year, I was working at a dead end job while pinning over the one that got away and spending all my free time with someone I couldn't even hold a serious conversation with; replacing the emptiness I felt with what I guess you could call a filler.

Fast forward to the present: I got my foot in the door of the bicycle industry by helping out a local men's elite cycling team; something I've been wanting to do that has now become my main priority for the past couple of months. I haven't really had time to think of anything that isn't cycling related. So when something finally appears in front of me that I've indirectly ignored; I guess you can say I've become... Well, socially retarded.

I knew this situation was going to happen, that it was just a matter of time that I would have to confront it face to face. I just didn't realize how hard it was going to be. You can't plan these sorts of things. So when it finally does happen, you're just a puddle of goo with a mouth that's spilling verbal vomit onto the feet of onlookers.

I racked my brain over and over again this evening, sitting on top of the dryer and just trying to think of things to say. There's nothing you really can say or do, but it's hard to go with the flow when you're nervous and all you can think about is how you have to drive 30 miles to stand in the rain and hand off a bag of food and water bottles to guys in lycra. It's like you're trying to focus on something important but there's the devil on you shoulder, hitting you on the side of your head with a pick ax, calling you a pussy for making excuses on why you can't confront this seemingly harmless situation.

And that's all it is, is a harmless situation. I'm usually not a scared bitch when it comes to these sorts of things. I always hated beating around the bush, but I guess you can say I'm scared because I don't want to deal with something that could possibly get in the way of what I have going for myself, something that I've tried so hard to achieve.

Set Your Heart On Fire.

What you're about to read is something I posted over a year ago; when I felt hurt, lost, and alone. I just thought I'd repost it not because I still feel the way I felt when I wrote it (and there are times, but for the most part I'm happy where I am at my life and who is part of it.) But because I feel like those who met me in the past 7 months (or have gotten to know me better) should know where I was emotionally a year ago. I also feel like this blog (Amour de Velo) needs to have more substance instead of mindless ramblings about cycling. I've been meaning to write a full blown run down on everything that has happened since July 5th, but I haven't been able to sit down and collect my thoughts.

And just to let you know, when I wrote this, I was in a stage of my life where I drank far too much, anvd continously hurt people and didn't care. This blog was me breaking down the day after I had partied too hard and had a serious conversation with a friend about life.


"The new frontier, the promise land.
You left one war, for another to begin.
And I'm not mad.
I'm not sad.
It's just hard, for me to understand.
And what I wanna know is are you comfortable?"

It's almost 3am on the Monday before Haunt starts. I can't sleep. Not because I'm nervous for this year's run, or because I want it to start already. It's because these past few weeks, when driving home late at night, I begin thinking about people and things I haven't thought of in a while.

People like Rachel Elliot, one of my best friends in 8th grade who passed away 2 years ago when a drunk driver hit her car.. Or my ex, who I once was in love with for 2 years, who kept coming around until I had enough. Sometimes I'll think of my 'big sister', Crystal, who I had a falling out with 3 years ago but I still love with all my heart. And sometimes I'll think of the little sister and brother I barely know, and how they're doing on the opposite side of the continent.

Then there are things that pop into my head, like love and companionship, that make me want to pull over onto the side of the road and just stare at the tail lights of passing cars; wondering what the fuck I did so wrong to deserve the shit I go through.

I've been in love once. It sucked. It hurt. It took 3 years for the relationship to form. We talked almost everyday, we saw eachother once or twice in the 3 years. We talked about how, if and when we finally got together, that when we wanted to get married that we would get married at the Haunted Mansion. I seriously fell in love with him. He was my best friend. He was someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It was long distance (he lived up north) It was a bunch of waiting around, until he finally moved down to southern california and asked me out. Then, for the 3 months of us being together, I endured him cheating on me, abusing me, lying and making me feel like complete shit. And after we finally broke up, for the 3rd time, it still took me 2 years to get over him. I have no idea why I 'loved' this guy. I've been over him for about 2 years, yet he still insisted coming back into my life, wanting me back. And when I turn him down, he freaks out and tries to degrade me.

My insecurities come from him. My weight issues came from him. My inability to trust most guys came from him. My horrific nightmares I get when I'm significantly stressed out, came from an incindent I had that involved him. I'm not trying to play the victim at all, that's not the point of this blog. The last thing I want is sympathy. Because, for the most part, I've seen improvement in my character and well being since him and I broke up in '05.

I was 15 years old, thinking that this was love. Sitting at home every night, waiting for him to call when in reality he was fucking some scene slut in his home town. I lied to my parents, telling them I was going to work when in actuality I was driving an hour and a half away to go see him the day after he had sex with his ex. Yet when we did spend time together, he treated me like a princess. Until, of course, I'd confront him about him cheating on me.

After our break up, I felt complete and utter lonliness. I felt empty. But, as the seasons changed, and other guys came and went, my heart grew stronger and soon I began to forget the douche bag.

I'm not gonna lie, that shitty relationship has made it hard for me to commit to a real serious relationship. If I sense the smallest amount of control issues, I peace out. I don't want to be forced to do anything, I don't want to be told what to do. I don't want to be told that they're just looking out for my own well being. Because that's a load of crap. They want me to fit a mold, I'm not down for that. I did that in my crappy relationship with my ex and I don't wanna go through that again.

Now it's 3:30am on 9/21, and all I can think about is how bad I want companionship. Someone I can laugh with, sleep next to, hold hands with and just be me around. Someone to go on adventures with, someone to kick my ass at video games, someone to watch tv with until I fall asleep. The nights are getting colder and lonlier, and all I want is is that comfort and security of being asleep in someone's arms. If it turns out to be a relationship, then so be it. But I'm not going out and looking for that.

I strongly believe there is a difference between companionship and being in a relationship.

Is there a problem with just wanting to BE with someone?

The kids I went to school with are all getting engaged, all getting married, all having children. That freaks me out, I don't want that. I'm too young to be growing up so fast, if that makes sense.

I just don't know.

"Set your heart.
Set your heart.
Set your heart on fire."

Admiration.

Rob: You know I really admire you
Me: haha why?
Rob: its your passion for bikes. you follow it to the heart, almost religiously. i dont feel that way about anything in life. i guess you could say im jealous

I am 21.

Four days ago, I was sitting in a bar with five of my friends enjoying the smooth sound of a hefty hispanic man singing along Garth Brooks. In the midst of my 21st birthday celebration, I started singing along to his rendition of "I've got friends in low places" while finishing my fourth drink of the night. I sat there with a smile on my face while being hassled by my friend Ryan, "Drink your beer, Paige!" and thinking to myself, I have the best friends in the world. 

I mean, of course everyone says that when they're with good people celebrating life achievements. But in all honesty, I really do. 

How many people do you know that would sit in two in a half hours worth of traffic to come to hang out with someone they've only known for a few months? Or who do you know would drive out after work on the night of a big NBA play off game to be hassled and forced to eat a ton of food they didnt want to eat after knowing someone for barely a month? And who do you know would put up with a drunk 21 year old on the drive home, or have something professed to you by the same drunk 21 year old?

Not a lot, I bet.

My friends put up with a lot of crap. They help me through the tough times, when I'm insecure, when I feel like I have nothing else left. They motivate me into becoming a better person, they help me become more level headed, they talk sense into me. 

If it weren't for them, I'd be nothing. 

Seriously. 

I have overcome many fears and obstacles in the past year. I've made great and poor decisions, and have learned a lot from those who have tried to straighten me out. I'm not as out of control as I once was, I have stability. These friends have sat me down and shown me the important things in life: job, goals, family, friendships, getting back on the horse. They expect a lot out of me, and I don't want to disappoint them.

I realized on my 21st birthday, that I constantly tell each and every one of my friends how proud I am of them. 

Now, it's my turn to make them proud. 

6 Days.

My lack of updating disgusts me. My bad. The past couple of weeks have destroyed my ability to sit down and write a completely thought out entry.  Between work, volunteering for the Amgen Tour of California, meeting Mark Cavendish, taking part in the Santa Monica Ride of Silence, going on bike rides, AND going to countless bike races; you would think I would have a ton to write about.

I don't really.

And it's not because I'm choosing to not share it in my blog, it's just the fact that it's literally too much to recall.

14 Days.

Two years ago, my friend and I went to Disneyland together. He had come down to visit for a few days and we made it our main priority to visit the mouse kingdom while he was in town.

We were walking through Adventureland when I grabbed his hand and held it in mine. He looked at me and asked, "What are you doing?" As soon as he said it, I quickly let go of it. I was so embarrassed, I barely said a word to him for the rest of the day.

I always learn from my mistakes; if not the first time then definitely the second. Such mistakes could be as minor as not wearing sunscreen to the beach and in return getting a terrible sunburn, to something emotionally unsettling like reading into someone's actions too much and getting shot down in the most embarrassing way ever. Lately, I've made a couple of little mistakes here and there that have left me saying to myself, "What was I thinking?" Drinking coffee is one of them haha

I woke up this morning to the smell of freshly brewed coffee. It was 10am and I had to force myself out of bed to get my day started, seeing as I had slept for about 11 hours (I desperately needed to catch up on sleep). I made myself scrambled eggs and slathered cream cheese on a bagel before pouring myself a cup of coffee, then sat down in front of the boob tube and watched stage 7 of the Amgen Tour of California. This whole weekend I found myself getting around 4-5 hours of sleep due to the fact my sleep schedule sucks, and getting up before 6am three days in a row was tough. My body hasn't adapted to coffee yet, which sucks because it tastes so good and it totally brings me out of zombie mode. However, the caffeine caught up with me this morning and I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. I sat on the couch thinking to myself, "Holy crap, there's a track and field competition going on inside my chest!" I haven't had that feeling in a few years, back when I had heart palpitations and anxiety attacks. Last thing I needed was to get back on medication that made me feel like shit.

So, lesson learned. I'm limiting my coffee intake. Nemo, I don't know how you can do it.

19 Days.

I smiled a lot today.
I forgot that genuine guys still exist.You know, the ones who don’t have to brag to make themselves look cool.Ones who don’t try too hard, ones that just act themselves around you.Those are the best guys to be around.Because they make you feel comfortable, they make it easier to converse with.It’s been a long time since I’ve made a new guy friend who wasn’t full of complete shit. I like that.